Monday, July 18, 2011

The things I want (important things)

This last week has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me. Well, to be honest- this year has been- but mostly, this week. I'm constantly losing, it seems. "When one door closes another opens", the saying goes and I remind myself of this. I know that life isn't over and I push forward. The older I get the more certain I am of what I want. I think I have always known what I wanted but I'm shy or hesitant to tell others. Mostly because we live in an age of intelligent, work oriented women skilled with multitasking. I am cautious to blurt out what I really want because I hear stories of guys that date other women saying that as soon as those women said that they just wanted to have children, they got ditched. Oh, I know there were lots of other red flags raised besides that (lack of conversation, obsessiveness, stalking, etc...) but it doesn't stop me from holding back. I also don't want to disappoint. I'm also not a hippy and am not interested in farming or anything like that. I just want a home full of my own children.

I'm nearly half way to my AA Degree and I still don't know what I want to do career-wise. But I do know what I want to do with the rest of my life that doesn't involve cashing a paycheck every two weeks or 3 hours of homework. I want to be a good mother and wife and I want more children. I want that more than any job out there. I just don't know how to get there... I had my second miscarriage last week and I'm handling it much better than previously. I haven't sunk into a dark depression and I'm not yelling and retreating into myself. Due to previous experiences, I've kept this mostly close to home and only told those on a need-to-know basis. I know a lot people don't read my blog so I'm not really worried. I mostly wanted to protect Jamie. The last 2 experiences left him confused and I don't need to reintroduce it. Also, I don't want to obsess about it so I feel like writing it here will help me process.

I dream of having more children and owning a home with a man that wants to take care of me (us) happily and without regret. I feel like we're still at the construction stage- where you can see the parts but you still don't know how the final result will look but you know how you hope it will look. Everything has the markers for a great outcome but getting those parts together correctly is hard. Sometimes, I feel like I need to stop construction and say, "Wait- this piece goes here... I know it's weird but trust me." and its hard to speak up.

I know it sounds silly but I want to be able to raise my own children- I don't want to drop them off at daycare and I don't want to watch someone else's. I want to experience my home changing with my family. I'm not ready to go to the next phase of my life without at least 1 more child. In my apartment, I have photos all over my walls of Jamie when he was a baby and toddler. I love looking at them and I'm glad that I have them. Looking at them brings intense feelings and I can't shake them. The desire to add to those photos is so overwhelming. But I know I just have to take it one day at a time.


Katie said...

Sounds like life has been handing you some lemons for a while now!!! My favorite saying is "When life hands you lemons, make a gin & tonic!" :) But seriously, so sorry to hear that you had a recent miscarriage...heartbreaking! I hope healing does come to you sooner than later...but I'm sure it is not an easy process (emotionally or physically). I'm enjoying reading your blogs when they pop up in my Reader!

Christine said...

Hi Katie, Thanks :) It has been easier this time around. I intend for life to start handing me a gin and tonic :D