Monday, July 18, 2011

The things I want (important things)

This last week has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me. Well, to be honest- this year has been- but mostly, this week. I'm constantly losing, it seems. "When one door closes another opens", the saying goes and I remind myself of this. I know that life isn't over and I push forward. The older I get the more certain I am of what I want. I think I have always known what I wanted but I'm shy or hesitant to tell others. Mostly because we live in an age of intelligent, work oriented women skilled with multitasking. I am cautious to blurt out what I really want because I hear stories of guys that date other women saying that as soon as those women said that they just wanted to have children, they got ditched. Oh, I know there were lots of other red flags raised besides that (lack of conversation, obsessiveness, stalking, etc...) but it doesn't stop me from holding back. I also don't want to disappoint. I'm also not a hippy and am not interested in farming or anything like that. I just want a home full of my own children.

I'm nearly half way to my AA Degree and I still don't know what I want to do career-wise. But I do know what I want to do with the rest of my life that doesn't involve cashing a paycheck every two weeks or 3 hours of homework. I want to be a good mother and wife and I want more children. I want that more than any job out there. I just don't know how to get there... I had my second miscarriage last week and I'm handling it much better than previously. I haven't sunk into a dark depression and I'm not yelling and retreating into myself. Due to previous experiences, I've kept this mostly close to home and only told those on a need-to-know basis. I know a lot people don't read my blog so I'm not really worried. I mostly wanted to protect Jamie. The last 2 experiences left him confused and I don't need to reintroduce it. Also, I don't want to obsess about it so I feel like writing it here will help me process.

I dream of having more children and owning a home with a man that wants to take care of me (us) happily and without regret. I feel like we're still at the construction stage- where you can see the parts but you still don't know how the final result will look but you know how you hope it will look. Everything has the markers for a great outcome but getting those parts together correctly is hard. Sometimes, I feel like I need to stop construction and say, "Wait- this piece goes here... I know it's weird but trust me." and its hard to speak up.

I know it sounds silly but I want to be able to raise my own children- I don't want to drop them off at daycare and I don't want to watch someone else's. I want to experience my home changing with my family. I'm not ready to go to the next phase of my life without at least 1 more child. In my apartment, I have photos all over my walls of Jamie when he was a baby and toddler. I love looking at them and I'm glad that I have them. Looking at them brings intense feelings and I can't shake them. The desire to add to those photos is so overwhelming. But I know I just have to take it one day at a time.

Thursday, June 30, 2011


So far, we're a few weeks into summer and it hasn't been bad. We've had a few slumber parties, park time, visits with great grandma and of course, boring days of nothing but Sponge Bob and Johnny Test. Jamie's handled everything fairly well and I'm proud of him. We've been doing workbooks in the morning before any TV gets turned on. I need to figure out a way to do the workbooks once the meds kick in. It gets a little exhausting until then (a lot). I've also been doing some DVD workouts while he does his workbooks... sometimes, I don't mind pausing the annoying blonde to help him- it helps me catch my breath or rest my muscles. I've been doing it for a week now and I feel like I'm getting better at it. Less falling over.
Today we visited Michelle and little Caleb in Seattle for a few hours. He did great :) Caleb is pretty much the cutest baby I've ever laid eyes on (besides Jamie, of course). His big blue eyes and gummy grin lights up his entire face. Happiest. Baby. EVER. Seriously. I can't wait until my lens gets fixed so I can take some photos of him. He needs to be in magazines or something...
Once we left, things were going well until an hour and a half later (enduring Tukwila and Tacoma traffic) and 10 minutes until we were home did Jamie announce that he was going to be carsick, "Mom, I going to be carsick..." puke. That'll teach me to let him play Pac-Man and Angry Birds in the backseat... =/ For the last 10 minutes, I could smell the regurgitated fruit in the backseat. But we held it together and made it home. The good news is, Jamie is just fine and my car is clean. Next time we'll attempt the Sounder. Or something.
I'm thinking of attempting a project just for myself but I haven't decided on what yet. Do I want to redo my dresser? Paint a picture? Build a desk (HA!)? When I decide, I'll try to get some photos up. That's it for now :)

Monday, June 20, 2011


I'm still discovering an identity for this blog. (I'm sure it's one of those things that I'll back to and think that it's me discovering my own identity or whatever). Will it be about photography, parenting, me, you, Borders... or frogs? I dunno... Right now, I feel like writing about parenting. It's one of the most exhausting things ever.
I love my child more than any person I've ever loved but there are moments when I just want to leave and start a new life in Italy. I had a whole idea of what to write while I was laying in bed and now that I'm out here hovering over my keyboard in the dark, the words leave me.
I want to enjoy my child but there are days that make it extremely difficult. Every decision I make is met with a high pitch whine and frustration. No, we can't have chicken nuggets at Jack In the Box. Because I said so. Because we need to save money. I know you're hungry, you're going to need to wait until we get home. Stop whining. Stop. Whining. STOP.
I can feel my chest tighten just rereading that. I know every kid does this. I remember doing this myself. And this is only one decision today. There were more made later.
I ponder over why Jamie looks different as I call up Vicki to see if the kids want to play. She said they were on their way to the park so I took Jamie to play with the Scotts at Jane Clark Park so he can play in the pool. Unfortunately, we arrived just as they closed the pool for lunch break. It was okay for the first 10 minutes while Jamie immersed himself with crafts of colorful cotton balls and pipe cleaners. Once he was bored with that, he played at the park for a little bit while I chatted with Vicki and played with Owen. After an hour, they announced the pool will open late since they needed to adjust chlorine levels. Jamie spent that time curled up next to me, demanding that I scratch his back while he pulled grass and flung it around us. I scratched while watching a bunch of little boys playing dodgeball-wishing Jamie was more interested in making friends with those kids and having fun with them. He doesn't seem to enjoy playing group games. I've had people notice that he likes to play along side one or two kids but never really plays with anyone. I sometimes fear he'll be a lonely child if he keeps this up.
Finally the pool opens and the kids play for about 45 minutes before we all decide that it was getting chilly and time to head home for some food. Vicki invited us over for sandwiches so we head over there. During our lunch/dinner, it finally dawns on me why Jamie looks different. I jump out of my seat and examine his eyelashes... he only has a few lashes left. He's been plucking them. My heart sinks because I've been told that this is a sign of obsessive compulsiveness. I spent a few minutes talking to Jamie about not pulling out his eyelashes and how they protect your eyes from lint and dirt in the air. I know this is a futile attempt but I need to keep a watch out for him doing this consistently.
Deep inside, I'm scared for Jamie. I don't know what the future will be like for him. I don't know if he will grow out of this or will need to be on medication all his life. I don't want this for him. I'm terrified that he won't care for his own life and just throw it away with terrible decisions.
I'm constantly obsessing over this and I wish I can enjoy my child while he is small. He makes it extremely difficult. Perhaps I'm making mountains out of molehills. I hope it is so.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

dead weight

It's been pretty close to 4 weeks since I've been "laid off" (I still work on the weekends) and at first, it was great! I got read to my hearts' content and basically do whatever I wanted before and after school. Lately though, it has started to wear off. Don't misunderstand me, the freedom to choose how I spend my day is still wonderful and I could seriously do this forever, I'm just starting to feel a little bit like dead weight. I need something to occupy my time.
This afternoon I have my first photo session in almost year (a paid one!) and after shooting my best friend's CD release party last weekend, I'm feeling like I'm learning to shoot all over again. Not good but not bad either. The bad side is, my nerves are a little fluttery (but pretty typical before a shoot), my favorite lens is in the shop being looked at and I feel like I need to relearn my camera all over again. The good side is, in a way, I get to relearn my camera again and forget about any bad habits I used to do. I basically have the memory of a gnat so sometimes, it can be a good thing.
I think in teaching my self how to use my camera again, I want to rely more on shooting correctly exposed images and relying less on Photoshop/Lightroom. I admit, I'm not a professional and most of the time, I have no idea what I'm doing. I wing it. There, I've said it!
I can't afford to take photography classes but I do have the ability to take my time and start shooting and learning on my own this summer. Summertime is the best time to begin. Start mastering exposure so as you head into winter, you don't necessarily dread shooting in darkness during the daytime. I dread shooting in-doors usually.
I also want to learn to shoot in a studio setting. That might come in handy in the winter as well. :)

Also, I need to see about developing a new business plan, website and "feel" for my little business. I want to be more choosey about what kind sessions I accept. I don't want to take just anyone who will throw money at me (although, it's probably better for the business) I want to keep those that fit with my style.

It's time for this dead weight to do some house cleaning.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Note to self

I'm writing a post because I am SO not tired right now. I got up because I wanted to write a post-it for myself for tomorrow not to forget to take my lens in to get it looked at, also to finish my homework and remember to put in a new memory card in the camera. Also, I wanted to remember to see if my computer can burn CDs. Hopefully it does. I also need to look at getting a new external HD since my current one is formatted for PC's and while I can still obtain info off it, I can't put new stuff on it. Kind of annoying, but oh well!
Also, I need to cancel my cable. I don't remember the last time I turned on the TV and just watched something. Generally, I go to Hulu or Netflix. It would be cheaper to sign up for Hulu Plus than to pay for basic cable. Speaking of which, it would allow me to finish off the current Fringe season...

Note to self has ended. :) Normal posting will resume shortly.

Friday, June 3, 2011

The Shadow of the Wind

Of all the books I've read over the last few weeks, none of them have captured me as much as The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. This book has literally suspended my life over the last three days. There are moments when I must force myself to put the book down and take a break, clean or go to school. I wish that I could write a better description of the book but alas, you will have to meddle through...

The story takes place in post-war Barcelona, Spain in the life of Daniel Sempre, at age 10. Daniel's simple life consists of only himself and his father while they mourn for his mother, who died when Daniel was 4. His father decides to introduce Daniel to the Cemetery of Lost Books; a long family tradition kept secret. When Daniel is told to choose any book he likes in the massive labyrinth of shelves and stories, and that this book will forever mark his life, he searches carefully. He emerges, holding The Shadow of the Wind by an obscure author, Julian Carax. Daniel immediately begins to read and falls in love with the story. His father urges his son to explore the author by introducing him to one of his bookseller friends and thus, Daniel begins the story of his own life. Discovery leads him to learning that his copy may be the only one left in existence, all others have been sought out and burned. It takes him years to uncover the truth behind Carax's cursed life. We are taken on a journey throughout the city of Barcelona, meeting colorful characters and learning shocking truths.

Shadow of the Wind is a serious book with thoughtful and often hilarious dialogue. I'm very attached to Daniel's lovable friend, Fermin. I'm not quite finished with it yet because I'm trying to savor each moment. But it's likely that I will return to the book after I've completed this review. When I'm finished, I'm going to be very sad. :) It's not a book for everyone; it has disturbing scenes that are not for the faint of heart and also contains very sensual elements. But if you enjoy a good story that is woven like a maze; with hidden doors, invisible walls and curious directions, then perhaps you're worthy of such a book. Go pick it up. Amen.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


I've been on a reading frenzy lately. Generally, I've always got a book that I'm in the middle of but recently, I've been tearing through book after book.
I just finished reading Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman and it was excellent! I've got a copy of American Gods but I'm not quite ready to finish it yet (I started it a few years ago but haven't been able to finish). My next novel is The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. I've heard great things about it so I'm gonna give it a go.
The novels I've read in the last few weeks have been:
Fever Dream, The Book of the Dead and Wheel of Darkness all by Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child
Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Neffenegger
and Neverwhere.
I have to honestly say, I love having all this extra free time! :) I'm sure it'll get old down the road but as long as I've got books, I'm good to go.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The case of the Mondays on a Tuesday

I woke up at 7:30 and went on the computer to check out Facebook, gmail- my usual routine. Around 8, I went into jamie's room and gently woke him up, peeling the blankets from around his sleepy head. "I found him! I found the sleepy boy!" I usually say. He mutters and whacks my hands away. I tell him he needs to get up and put his school clothes on. I proceed to pull out a pair of underwear, khaki pants and a green polo shirt, depositing them on the couch. He eventually creeps out of the bedroom and wraps his blanket around him as he curls up on the couch. Thinking of skipping the brown sugar today, I instead pour the contents of his meds into a spoonful of key lime yogurt. Sitting beside him on the couch, I offer the spoon, letting him know I've changed it to yogurt and reminding him that he likes key lime flavor. He scrunches his face, a small hint of a grin and shoves my hand away, "No!".
Every morning, it's the same routine. A five to ten minute battle to get him to take his meds. The capsule is too large for him to swallow so I've been emptying them into spoonfuls of brown sugar. At first, he always took it, no complaints. But lately, he seems to relish saying no, whenever possible.
I admit, after pleading for five minutes and him finally spilling the yogurt on himself, I lost it. I was angry and tired of this nonsense. "Look what you did! UGGHHH!!! Why can't you just take it?!" I'm raging mad, trying not to raise my voice but I know it's getting louder anyway. I try to flip him over to spank him but he twists and I smack his hip instead. Frustrated, I throw the spoon into the sink, walk back to the couch and yank him to his feet.
"Stand there," I pull him to the kitchen and attempt to load up another spoon. By now, he's trying really hard not to cry- me too. I offer the spoon and curtly tell him to take it. He opens his mouth and it's finally over. I'm starting to calm down and I tell him that I'm sorry but he needs to stop telling me no and do what he's asked. Eventually he gets dressed and changes back to his perky self.
I'm still kind of angry over the whole ordeal. I hate doing this. I feel like my child deliberately says no and acts up because it's me. He seems to do fine with most other people. I'm convinced he hates me somedays. Anyway, I felt I should write it down and maybe tomorrow things will be better.

Friday, May 27, 2011

on inspiration

Everyday I sign into my blog reader and catch up on stories of other people's families, art, photography and general stuff. I'm often overloaded with inspiration and that need to do something with it. The problem comes when there's the time to do it and the want fades. Well, maybe not fades but it's transformed into doubt. The walls of limitation quickly presents itself and I feel like it's something I can't get around.
I also think I have a few issues with getting messy. The projects I want to do always involve getting stuff out- lots of stuff and then after a few hours' work, I gotta put it all back again. I lose all motivation thinking about the clean up. I would like a space where I can simply leave it and come back, nothing out of its place. Maybe I have some serious control issues? I always think, "I'll start that when/if I get a bigger house". But at this point it my life, it's not happening anytime soon. I may as well get used to the smaller quarters and figure out how to work around it. It's hard to do that.
So that's all I want to throw out for today. Maybe tomorrow I'll come back and articulate.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I'm back! Again!

I'm not sure anyone still reads or checks on this blog but I've decided to make it my summer make-over project. I thought about just starting a blog from scratch but then decided not to. The past is me and I can't change anything about it so it's time to keep pressing forward.
I'm in school, taking classes towards an Associates Degree and afterwards, maybe transfer someplace with an awesome Graphic Design program. I also want to look into internships. Ever since I saw Chronicle Books offered internships, I can't stop thinking about how cool that would be! I recently acquired a student loan so I could replace my broken computer. I took the chance of upgrading to an iMac and I LOVE it. I've got some money left over and I'm contemplating using it towards a camera (a cheaper one) or just giving it back to the school.
In other news, I am now working part time in Puyallup since the Tacoma store closed over a week ago. It was sad but I'm a tad grateful for the kick out the door. Part time will be good :) I have a terrible tendency to settle.
I'm also planning to pick up the camera and just deal with it. I love taking photos but recently, the desire to get out there was gone. Also, it didn't help that I didn't have a proper computer to upload photos. But I do now and I fully intend to exploit it. I see now that every other person in world is a "professional photographer" so I'm just going to chill and enjoy taking photos for the time being. I'm not accepting anymore wedding jobs but I may take in the occasional family/kid sessions.
Until next time! PEACE.