Today was just one of those days where I felt like the naked truth just smacked me in the face. It's hard to describe except I feel I'm falling short. Like I can't keep up with all the things I feel are important. I set expectations for myself and I can't seem to even meet them. It's true, I don't list my most vunerable expectations for the world to see. Only I know how I want things. And I know I can't make them met. There's always...something. Something that stands in my way whether it be work, where I live, how much (or little) money I make, my own personality, my limited knowledge, and ultimately; my patience & dicipline.
My first let down I feel is probably is my skill as a mother. There's much room for improvement. First off, I know I can do better but what's standing in my way? Distractions; the internet, sleep, work, my own want to do things alone... I'm throwing all of my faults for the world to see here. I spent too much time on the internet. I turn on the computer almost as soon as I wake up, check my email/flickr and then I'll spend hours upon hours browsing photography blogs, family blogs, looking at meaningless things-really. Jamie will most likely spend more than a few hours watching Curious George or PBS Kids while playing with his legos and cars. He's generally pretty good about letting me do some stuff on the computer but I know I start to push my limits when the obnoxious behaviour starts. I'll find myself yelling at him to stop climbing on me or telling him to 'hold on a sec,' while I look/read something else. It's true... I think it's an addiction. Seriously. I find myself getting angry at myself because I'm not more like so-and-so's mom who's apparently superwoman and can do no wrong. Sure, her house is probably just as messy as mine but I'm more jealous about the things that she has that matter most to ME. I don't really care about a clean house that's tastefully decorated or elaborately cooked dinners that are healthy. I care about the fact that she has a bottomless compacity for patience, creativity, intelligence, TIME, and this boldness that gets her what she wants. I want to be more like that. But when the time comes and I should be busting out the preschool worksheets I end up in my computer chair; drooling over the latest photography toy that costs too much yet I really, really want it and hey- that's what credit cards are for....
The intention of my lastest post wasn't to rant about my downfalls as a mother, honestly. I really want to make an attempt to be better. I understand that I can't be "her", that other mother that I admire from afar, but I can try to be a better me. The idea of shelving the internet for a month seriously bothers me. Seriously! But I think that's what I want my next goal to be. I think this is probably one of the biggest things holding me back from being a better, more in-tuned mother for Jamie. So starting tomorrow, I'm not turning on my computer. I don't expect emails on the weekends anyway. The only email I'm waiting for is the one from Borders Corporate and that shall be my ONLY reason for firing up the PC. And checking my online banking for my balances. Once the check is through, I'll shall promptly shut things down and resume my quest for being on the road to a better person. Yeah... scary. This means no checking flickr, all those 20something blogs I frequent everyday, myspace (kind of a waste of time anyway and been thinking of quitting), blogger, and of course... instant messenger (another curse!).
So please, be advised... if you need to get ahold of me, call me or come over. You may leave me an email at pookiechristine@msn.com since that's the only email I'll be checking for a month.
Wish me luck!
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