I'm still discovering an identity for this blog. (I'm sure it's one of those things that I'll back to and think that it's me discovering my own identity or whatever). Will it be about photography, parenting, me, you, Borders... or frogs? I dunno... Right now, I feel like writing about parenting. It's one of the most exhausting things ever.
I love my child more than any person I've ever loved but there are moments when I just want to leave and start a new life in Italy. I had a whole idea of what to write while I was laying in bed and now that I'm out here hovering over my keyboard in the dark, the words leave me.
I want to enjoy my child but there are days that make it extremely difficult. Every decision I make is met with a high pitch whine and frustration. No, we can't have chicken nuggets at Jack In the Box. Because I said so. Because we need to save money. I know you're hungry, you're going to need to wait until we get home. Stop whining. Stop. Whining. STOP.
I can feel my chest tighten just rereading that. I know every kid does this. I remember doing this myself. And this is only one decision today. There were more made later.
I ponder over why Jamie looks different as I call up Vicki to see if the kids want to play. She said they were on their way to the park so I took Jamie to play with the Scotts at Jane Clark Park so he can play in the pool. Unfortunately, we arrived just as they closed the pool for lunch break. It was okay for the first 10 minutes while Jamie immersed himself with crafts of colorful cotton balls and pipe cleaners. Once he was bored with that, he played at the park for a little bit while I chatted with Vicki and played with Owen. After an hour, they announced the pool will open late since they needed to adjust chlorine levels. Jamie spent that time curled up next to me, demanding that I scratch his back while he pulled grass and flung it around us. I scratched while watching a bunch of little boys playing dodgeball-wishing Jamie was more interested in making friends with those kids and having fun with them. He doesn't seem to enjoy playing group games. I've had people notice that he likes to play along side one or two kids but never really plays with anyone. I sometimes fear he'll be a lonely child if he keeps this up.
Finally the pool opens and the kids play for about 45 minutes before we all decide that it was getting chilly and time to head home for some food. Vicki invited us over for sandwiches so we head over there. During our lunch/dinner, it finally dawns on me why Jamie looks different. I jump out of my seat and examine his eyelashes... he only has a few lashes left. He's been plucking them. My heart sinks because I've been told that this is a sign of obsessive compulsiveness. I spent a few minutes talking to Jamie about not pulling out his eyelashes and how they protect your eyes from lint and dirt in the air. I know this is a futile attempt but I need to keep a watch out for him doing this consistently.
Deep inside, I'm scared for Jamie. I don't know what the future will be like for him. I don't know if he will grow out of this or will need to be on medication all his life. I don't want this for him. I'm terrified that he won't care for his own life and just throw it away with terrible decisions.
I'm constantly obsessing over this and I wish I can enjoy my child while he is small. He makes it extremely difficult. Perhaps I'm making mountains out of molehills. I hope it is so.