Shutter Mama

Ever since Thanksgiving, I've been slowly gaining composure. Those of you that were with me Thanksgiving day, I competely apologize. I melted and I couldn't do a thing to stop it. But I'm not going to go into that. Instead, I've been feeling rather energized and optimistic lately. I plan to focus more on that.

I've been seeing a family councelor lately. She hasn't even met Jamie yet but the whole point of me going is because of him. I needed help. Mike was with me at the first session but she said he wasn't required to come again. That's okay with me. It's nice to talk woman to woman about my kid. I would say that we discuss Jamie about 90% of the session. My last session with her went really well. She felt like I was responding to Jamie better and she told me I have more intuition than I give myself credit for. She leaned back in her chair with a large grin on her face and asked me if I still wanted to continue with the sessions. I felt like I wasn't quite ready to stop going. I've only gone 4 times! At this point, I think I started to ramble about what was really bothering me. Which lead me in me discussing what I felt are possible roots of the problem with Jamie; me. She perked up and asked me to be specific. I could only shrug and grasp at clues within my own mind and told her that sometimes I feel like I walk about with a measuring stick; holding it up to other moms/women and see if I measure up, If I'm good enough. At this point, she was nodding her head vigoriously, she understood where I was getting at.
I imagine a lot of other people do that. It's what makes us excel in certain areas of our lives. We need to see where the best is and strive to reach it. I think in my own situation, it's cause me to inadvertantly go backwards. It's like shrinking away from an enormous person, sort of. My lack of standing up to it caused me to be angry with myself and I believe it caused a lot of my problems between Jamie and I. I haven't been able to connect with him. Lately, I've been able control myself by not letting things get to me right off the bat. I've been able to step outside myself and assess, process. I don't make good decisions on the fly, especially when emotions are involved. Generally, I feel strong emotions when Jamie does something he's not supposed to do or he intentionally pushes my buttons. I get ugly fast. But I've able to take a second and not react right away and let my emotion subside. Then I can properly deal with him. It's not a perfect system but I'm learning. I feel like I must conquer this above all else.
Anyway, I thought it was interesting that she kept telling me how smart I was. Don't worry, I don't think I'm dumb but I've only known this woman through 4 visits and she's showing me a reflection of myself already. I know I'm smart but I don't always feel like I share it in the same capacity as others. I'll be the first to admit, my brain is too slow! I simply cannot just fire out answers right away. I need time to think, compose and reflect. I need to be able to go back and reread/reassess. I feel like this is why I'll never hold any occupation that requires quick thinking in emergency situations :) It's ok, I don't deal with blood well anyway.
So I guess my point is this... I feel good and I wanted to share it. :)